My husband and I were having lunch with some friends one day when I was told that I was too nice.
One of my guests, Margaret, was being her usual crass self. She’s just that type of person–absolutely no filter at all whatsoever. I never really read too much into what she says. I can’t even remember the conversation verbatim. I just know my big-mouthed guest and I were exchanging some banter at the table, ending with her having the last words because, quite frankly, I was tired of going back and forth with her. It was taking too much out of me and my smile was beginning to not feel so genuine anymore. After she said what she had to say, my other friend, Kress, who’d witnessed the entire scene along with everyone at the table, told me I was just too nice and I had to learn to “read people.”
“Reading people,” in this case, is today’s slang for witty comebacks. I admit I’m not great with this. I never have been. Depending on who you are as the teaser, most type of teasing aimed at me simply throws me off balance. I usually don’t know how to respond. Mostly I fumble with some type of response thrown together in my head and hope someone else changes the subject. The times I do banter back, my responses could be witty if my tone didn’t betray underlying acidity. The acidity usually comes from ravaged pride, but I’ll get to that.
Back to that day. It had been a lovely day. My husband and I spent the entire morning together doing things I loved: jumping around at Sky Zone like kids, having that lunch with our friends, and then later that evening, he’d arranged for us all to go skating. In all that perfection, do you know that “too nice” comment, nearly killed my entire day? That comment dimmed my mood during the remainder of the lunch. I thought about it after lunch, during skating, and the remainder of the evening. It remained on my mind for a few days after the lunch date, casting a shadow over my sunniness.
This is what Anxiety does to you.
It causes you to blow small things way out of proportion. It causes you to dwell in the past. It causes you to hang on to minute baggage that doesn’t even really deserve more than a second thought. I wasn’t even sure of who I was madder at, Margaret for being such a butt, Kress for “calling me out” in front of everyone, or myself for not retorting back at Margaret. And of course in the privacy of my home I thought about all the things I should’ve said, and ways I could get back at the offenders. When you think about it, I brought the unwelcomed offenders into my home with me for the next four or five days to reenact the entire lunch scene.
We anxious people can be high-strung. Some of us can see a joke as some sort of personal attack. We spend a lot of time berating ourselves, so when other people make a simple joke at us, our anxiety tells us our pride, which has already been ravaged by our own thoughts, is taking another beating. While others see the joke as humorous and harmless, in our heads we see this:
To an anxious person, it’s humiliating. Kind of like being on stage at a comedy show while the comedian makes fun of you continuously and the entire audience is laughing themselves into a frenzy. This is exactly how I felt during that lunch while bantering with Margaret. I felt like everyone was laughing at me, or worse, pitying me. Like everyone thought I was weak or something. My mind was practically screaming at me, “Don’t let them get away with those comments. Get ’em back, get ’em back!” It’s an anxious thing, but in this case, it’s also a pride thing. One of the reasons I was so upset was not because Kress hurt my feelings or Margaret embarrassed me, but because my pride was bruised. I felt like I’d let them walk over me in that situation, and Kress’s remark about me to me sort-of reaffirmed the negative way I view myself.
It’s important to be very, very mindful of your pride in situations like these. It’s perfectly acceptable and OK to stand up for yourself in these situations, just do so assertively. If you have a voice in your head that sounds similar to my vengeful “get ’em back” voice, then it might be a good idea to take a step back and don’t respond at all. What comes out of your mouth at that point, you cannot take back. In that case, a simple Look can say it all.
Anxiety is such a precarious thing. Just when you think you have a firm grasp on it, along comes a few ignorant people to push your buttons, and just like that, your grip on your stability slips, and you’re back on that emotional roller coaster. It is not easy having anxiety. If you’re like me, you can be passive-aggressive a lot of the time. You feel inadequate compared to others. You can be a cheerleader for anyone except yourself. And it seems like you’re always overreacting to something.
In the days that followed, I did some thinking about what Kress said. Am I really too nice? I reflected on it for days–weeks. And then, as much as I hated to admit it, I came to the realization that maybe he was right. I guess sometimes, I can be a little too nice.
And it stunk to have to admit that to myself. It would’ve been much easier–and preferable to continue to play the victim and blame Kress and Margaret for treating me the way they had. But I realized Margaret only treated me the way I let her treat me, and Kress was just being honest with me. I had to write and re-write this post because when I first wrote it, it was defensive, and probably wouldn’t have been that much help to anyone.
I hated Kress when I realized he may have had a point about me. He made me face myself, and come to grips with some things about me I realized I didn’t really like and needed to grow out of. Thanks to his remark, I also realized I was a person who was easily offended.
Kress also made me face the fact that I am a little passive-aggressive, and that flaw needed to give way to more of a healthy assertiveness. This is the main reason his comment stung so much. Because, honestly, I don’t think I’m as assertive as I’d like to be. And it bothered me that other people agreed with the way I negatively saw myself. Another trait we anxious people have is tending to care a little too much about what other people think because we can be people-pleasers.
So that I wouldn’t completely beat myself up for an extended period of time, I then had to remind myself of all the times when I was assertive. I remembered the times when I had to stand my ground and stand up for myself when I felt that I was being mistreated. There were also times when I fought fiercely for others who couldn’t stand up for themselves. And, I thought about the times when I not only got what I wanted out of difficult, borderline impossible situations, but I didn’t have to curse people out nor raise my voice to do so.
Realizing these things, I arrived at another conclusion: While it’s true that I am nicer than a lot of people, I don’t necessarily agree with Kress that I’m too nice. I just know how to look over things–and people–intending to draw me into a pointless confrontation. And I know when things need to be addressed. Every negative comment or insult doesn’t have to result in confrontation. That would make me confrontational, and that’s not who I am nor who I want to be. I’m no pushover. I am a child of God who knows her worth and how she should be treated.
You too are a child of God, and you have so much worth.
This brings me to GREAT traits that people with anxiety share. Allow me to share some amazing things with you about having anxiety that may make you feel better about yourself, my friends. There may be some less-than-desirable traits to being anxious, there are some really cool ones too! You are exceptional, unusual, in a wonderful and refreshing way, chock-full of charismatic potential, and utterly needed in this world. That’s right. You have great value. Although everyone is different, here are some of the cool traits people with Anxiety share.
Anxious and sensitive people are all analytical.
“What do Sherlock Holmes and Albert Einstein have in common? They were both analytical. This means they were both good at breaking down problems into smaller parts to find solutions. I don’t know about you, but I think that’s pretty cool! Not to say we’re Einstein, but we are awesomely exceptional in our own ways. Oh, yes. You have a shrewd, analyzing mind, which makes you highly intelligent. You’re already a thinker. You think often and in great detail. You can frequently be found spending most of your free time analyzing something, most likely human behavior, your personality, or past, present, or upcoming situations. Being analytical, if focused outwardly instead of inwardly, can make you a superb business-woman, and excellent in any field of work of your calling. People like you especially make great counselors, teachers, coaches of all kinds, healthcare professionals, and writers. So, basically, you could be great at anything you set your analytical mind to.
Gifted.
As in creative. I prefer the word gifted because once we learn to stop using our creative mental skills to scare ourselves into anxiety, we can take those same skills, turn them outward onto something we love, and turn it into something outstanding that works for us instead of against us. If you can create the wildest scenarios in your head about what could possibly happen to you in an uncomfortable situation, imagine what scenarios you could create if you’re projecting that creativity outwardly by imagining, oh say, writing a book. Starting a blog. Owning your own business. Making money from home so you can spend more time with yourself, your husband or your children. Or whatever secret dreams you may have. The possibilities are endless with your colorful imagination when you turn that natural creative gift of yours outwardly.
Detail-Oriented
You immediately notice if your friend has a spot on her dress. A small knick in your stocking or shoe? No need for anyone to tell you–you’re the first one to scope it out. You’re observant down to the very smallest detail. This skill can serve you well in your chosen profession. You’re the one who can comb over a disaster and be able to pinpoint exactly how it started, and how to fix it. With this trait, along with your creativity, you can move mountains. Your meticulous eye to details could make you a fantastic web designer, or any designer for that matter, wedding planner, personal shopper, blogger, and the list goes on.
Kind
Don’t look at this as a weakness. This is a tremendous strength. With the world we live in, kindness–unadulterated and genuine–is desperately needed, and anxious people are some of the most kind-hearted, wonderful people you will ever meet. Because of your sensitivity, you have a very strong understanding of people. You’re skilled in human behavior and emotion and typically aren’t as quick to judge or write people off as others are. You care about things that really matter, like genuinely helping people, and making some kind of positive impact on the world. Oftentimes, you’ll stand up fiercely for the underdogs, because you know what it’s like to feel like one. Your sensitivity, which you mostly see as a curse, won’t allow you to embarrass others to make yourself look good, which makes it a great blessing. There really is no end to your kindness.
Strong
Even though you live with anxiety daily, you still hold your head up high and get on with your life. Every. Single. Day. And most times with a smile on your face. Having anxiety is no easy thing, and you still try hard not to let it weigh you down most of the time. You’ve been through things that would’ve broken someone else, but not you. You’re able to withstand great adversity and not let it ruin your beautiful spirit. You still manage to not only go on in life but thrive. You do your best to deal with your anxiety, and not let it interfere with your day. You smile at people even when the weight of anxiety is particularly heavy, and you always try to leave people in better shape than when you found them. If that ain’t strength, I don’t know what is.
Though you’re anxious, that in no way makes you insignificant. You’re lovely. Emotional issues are not to be taken lightly, and you deal with it every day. You’re brave, warm-hearted, and a gift to the world. Don’t take these traits lightly. You’re a good friend, parent, spouse, and leader. Though it’s not always a bad idea to consider some of the things people say to you about you, don’t allow their opinions to overrule what you know about you. I know that may sound slightly contradictory considering me thinking Kress’s opinion about me being too nice a little valid. People are going to have their opinions about you no matter what character traits you have. Go ahead and let ’em think what they want. When it’s all said and done, it’s your You, not theirs. If YOU think there’s something about you that needs work, then it’s up to YOU to make that final call, not someone else.
I know you’ve heard variations of this message a thousand times, but there’s a reason for that: It’s so so important and true! It’s up to you and God to decide who you are, not other people. This post is meant to remind you of that, lay bare some of the good and the not so good traits of anxiety, and to let the anxious people out there know that you are not alone and that you always have the power to take the not-so-good traits of anxiety and turn them into the good ones.
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